08/03/10

Realisations are a funny thing.

I'm afraid of mine.
They make me feel selfish.
I suppose it's the thought that maybe I miss the one person who looked past all my flaws, for that reason exactly.
You never faulted me, you made me feel I could do no wrong.
And I didn't.
Until you went away.
It's almost as though I was trying to live up to your image of me.
To stay this innocent girl you loved and accepted. In your eyes I was always justified, I was adored.
Is it sick to miss having someone you could always be sure would never turn their back on you?
Someone who made you feel like perfection is possible.

Since you, no one has ever seen me like that. No one would ever believe you felt that.
No one will ever love me.
Because you didn't care about the other stuff. You cared about me.

I will never forget the look on your face when you came back.
The look of sheer, unimaginable disappointment.
Like you were completely crushed by the thought of what I'd become.

It was the same look you gave me when I broke your heart.

03/03/10

Men, I tried to tell myself they weren't all the same, I tried to tell myself I'd made a mistake, and that some men are different. Boy was I wrong. You put a man in front of a pretty girl. They are all the same.

Have you ever spent you entire life in the shadow of one person. The same one person, always one step ahead, always that little bit better, and has that much more that you don't.
For once, in the entire time you've know this person, they want something, and you have it. For the first time ever the tables turn, they are envious of you, of just the one small thing, that finally makes you equal them.
And then they get that too.

Mr and Mrs Perfect.

I hope you're happy together.
I give in my engagement.
You're far better suited.
Mary Poppin types.



I was feeling on top of the friggin world today.
Thanks for killing it. Again.
It's always you.

People just don't understand what she is to me. It's been three years.
Three years that I've been second best to her.

You make me feel insignificant.

01/03/10

It's a really nice day.
It reminds me of study leave last year. Chilling in the sun, on my balcony, "revising"... Completely carefree with the reassurance of retakes, and that I will still be safe and sound in the educational system.
But it's different this year.
Everything is different this year.
We are being thrown in the unfamiliar, unknown, without our security that we so rely on.
I forget that things need to get done, that life needs to get lived, and yet panic never strikes for the right reasons.

I panic because I'm losing them all, and with that I lose my happiness.
But sitting in front of an empty sketch book does not summon me to look to my future as a failure. It only makes me look back on my past, unaware, blissfully.