18/06/10

"We don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.'"



Yes, we're all lazy shits who stay plonked on the sofa, and we love it, and we don't want to move, and we don't want people to judge us, or talk to us for that matter.

We want to see people without having to see them.
We want to be alone without feeling alone.
That's what you said.

Well I want you to get MAD!

IN GOOD COMPANY

This is a poem about Alfonso, I wrote it on the bus to Balham as soon as I left from our first "date". It's not very good but I though Sou would appreciate it.

At a bus stop we met,

My diary you read,

A director you said,

Seventeen I regret.

We met for the first time,

I couldn't decline,

You were being so kind

As you spoke your mind.

A present you bought,

My gaze you caught,

But I can't shake the thought

It's my intimacy you sought.

My trust I'm not sure to give away,

Because behind all the passes twenty-seven you say.

Don't worry about me,

I'm not the same,

But I'm sitting with you,

You see, you came.

You're aware of my age,

As you turn the page,

Of my poems of lust,

And my constant distrust.

Can't you see I'm too young,

For these feeling so strong,

I can't be mature,

I'm innocent and pure.

But you repeat in you awe,

You are gorgeous I'm sure,

As it fills me with laughter,

Is it friendship you're after?

You're not disturbed,

You say looking peturbed,

He knows me well,

His judgement will tell.

Stay a little bit longer,

You say looking sombre,

I can't shake the feeling,

That's it, I'm leaving.

Ramblings of a melodramatic teen.

Like a title song in an album, here is the title chapter of my scribblins, it's how this whole thing started and looking back I think "what.an.emo", but I found a few chuckles amongst the "I'm so deep and misunderstood" contradictions:

you're a hedonistic prick

who only thinks with his dick.

You will not defeat me. You already have. You only keep me. Leave me.

go away. go away. GO AWAY.

come back. stay. disappear.

I'm not mad.

I'm just a little bit strange. Acceptance is the first step. I suppose I'm just a little bit emotional. Maybe too emotional. But not mad. Not insane. Sane, very sane. With some help. And sometimes alcohol. NO. THAT IS INSANE. No alcohol. Just people.

Tortured soul. Like being a tiny bug that little kids rip the legs off of for fun. One by one.

With every action a new leg is being torn.

But I'm like a centipede.

It could go on forever .

You could torture me forever.

You look pathetic.

Really, really pathetic.

Like an attention seeking rat.

Being detained? Seriously.

I'm finally free and now someone else is trying to keep me.

When will I be able to escape?

Now I don't know what you're doing. Or who.

Be polite you little squirm.

Overcoming every obstacle thrown at me.

Like prince charming fighting dragons.

Unfortunately it's like Shrek turning up and the princess being utterly repulsed.

BUT EVEN HE WINS HER OVER!!

Why can't I win?

I'm blue.

Tomorrow I'll be yellow?

Yellow is a happy colour.

Tomorrow I'll be colourful.

The red light district, like Dragon's den.

*side note* SOULAIMA IS REALLY SPECIAL.

Soon the nonsense of caring about anyone but myself will stop.

Soon I will treat men the same way they treat women.

Like germs: catch it, bin it, kill it.

Jokes... I woke up still drunk this morning. I'm sober now, but I wonder what I packed...

Poor sod really went for the wrong person, he's screwed now, I've clawed my way in and he won't get rid of me.

If I end up actually falling for him and he ends up like the other one, I'm no jokes turning gay.

Honestly, who says babe so much?

You can never tell with these player anymore.

I need one of those Charlie and the Chocolate Factory machines to separate the good eggs from the bad...

As I walk towards you

a smile overcomes me.

I'm happy to see you,

I'm happy you're ugly.

Eh. What a creepy little man.

His teeth. His hair. His shirt.

I swear his eyes were doing something funky too.

Tripping.

I need him in order to get well.

Well. As if I'm sick.

As if you diseased me with your violent blows to my soul.

Innuendo's a plenty,

Without us France is empty.

Today I felt like someone waited for every moment where I started to feel okay to throw another brick at me.

What's funny is we do funny things.

But we are both separately funny.

We are not very funny together.

Funny that...

We spend so much time in that single bed.

Remember the time we broke it's head?

Can you explain me to me?

Deep down.

Far beyond my conscious feelings.

Is this still you.

Am I still you.

Are you still there?

I need to manage my own brain.

To tell it what to feel.

Rather than it telling me.

How can anyone be jealous of the played and used middle man?

You were just a pawn in our game.

Go on fatty, try to beat me up.

I need a man dictionary.

I don't understand you.

What is the definition of you towards me?

I am so frustrated...

In every sense of the word.

There's December to February in a nutshell...

SILLY THINGS.

I wrote this ages ago, like back in september, but it reminded me of a post I published more recently and made me think... Anyway, here it is:

How is it that overnight you can completely change who you are with one small act? Alcohol is bad, it's very very bad. Not only does it change your view on yourself but also others views on you. yet the constant need to please people mixed with the influence of booze leads to silly, silly things. Can we always blame the alcohol though?
Often embarrassment, guilt and regret can make us blame anything else, but when are we lying to ourselves as well as everyone else? There are times when you know it was your own fault but blaming the booze softens the blow, but sometimes, when we are so surprised with our actions, do we trick ourselves into believing we couldn't help it, or is there really a point where it is physically impossible to restrain yourself?
You will always know what you are doing, even if it's overreacting to something small which triggers it. Fooling around with your ex's best friend is not due to alcohol, it's due to jealousy and revenge. Proceeding to then trying it on with said ex is not due to alcohol, it's due to missing him. Anything we try to tell ourselves was a drunken mistake will always have the semi conscious part dominating how we really feel.
Having said this, when we do end up doing those silly things would it be fair to say alcohol shows who we really are?
Slags, dickheads, nudists, honest people, loving people, over confident people... Is a night at the pub just an excuse to let loose and just 'be yourself'?

So it's not very well written, but considering I wrote that, forgot about it, and carried on living it, it's quite interesting perspective... for myself anyway. x

19/04/10

So, of course alcohol is never an excuse for acting like a complete idiot, but occasionally you gotta think of the effects.

Frank told me:

• Alcohol will often exaggerate whatever mood you're in when you start drinking.

-> Well there is already a big problem. Moods can be so indescribable, sometimes you're not just one mood, you're twelve, so with so many mixed emotions all emphasized at once the confusion can lead to relatively irrational decisions without thinking of consequences.

• Alcohol is a relaxant so, in moderation, it can reduce feelings of anxiety and inhibitions, making you feel more sociable.

-> There's another problem, losing inhibitions, losing conscious thought process, acting on impulse or rather not be entirely aware of what it is you are doing.

• It takes your body an hour to process one unit of alcohol.

-> And well by that time you may already have plowed through five.

Thank you Frank for the effects.
Some of Franks risks include:

• Feeling out of control.

• Appearing to be getting better at holding your drink could be a sign of dependance.

• Can make you mouthy, argumentative and aggressive.

• Alcohol poisoning.

I'm pretty sure most people have experienced or witnessed these alcohol induced effects.
So sure, you can't blame alcohol, but you can't rule it out as a contributing factor.

If you don't believe me, just ask FRANK.

11/04/10

"You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
- Max Ehrmann


I'm not sure if I believe everything happens for a reason.
If it does, then finding the reason seems pretty impossible at the minute.

Surely you could then blame all bad on the universe.
Imagine that...
"It's not my fault! The universe made me do it!"

08/03/10

Realisations are a funny thing.

I'm afraid of mine.
They make me feel selfish.
I suppose it's the thought that maybe I miss the one person who looked past all my flaws, for that reason exactly.
You never faulted me, you made me feel I could do no wrong.
And I didn't.
Until you went away.
It's almost as though I was trying to live up to your image of me.
To stay this innocent girl you loved and accepted. In your eyes I was always justified, I was adored.
Is it sick to miss having someone you could always be sure would never turn their back on you?
Someone who made you feel like perfection is possible.

Since you, no one has ever seen me like that. No one would ever believe you felt that.
No one will ever love me.
Because you didn't care about the other stuff. You cared about me.

I will never forget the look on your face when you came back.
The look of sheer, unimaginable disappointment.
Like you were completely crushed by the thought of what I'd become.

It was the same look you gave me when I broke your heart.

03/03/10

Men, I tried to tell myself they weren't all the same, I tried to tell myself I'd made a mistake, and that some men are different. Boy was I wrong. You put a man in front of a pretty girl. They are all the same.

Have you ever spent you entire life in the shadow of one person. The same one person, always one step ahead, always that little bit better, and has that much more that you don't.
For once, in the entire time you've know this person, they want something, and you have it. For the first time ever the tables turn, they are envious of you, of just the one small thing, that finally makes you equal them.
And then they get that too.

Mr and Mrs Perfect.

I hope you're happy together.
I give in my engagement.
You're far better suited.
Mary Poppin types.



I was feeling on top of the friggin world today.
Thanks for killing it. Again.
It's always you.

People just don't understand what she is to me. It's been three years.
Three years that I've been second best to her.

You make me feel insignificant.

01/03/10

It's a really nice day.
It reminds me of study leave last year. Chilling in the sun, on my balcony, "revising"... Completely carefree with the reassurance of retakes, and that I will still be safe and sound in the educational system.
But it's different this year.
Everything is different this year.
We are being thrown in the unfamiliar, unknown, without our security that we so rely on.
I forget that things need to get done, that life needs to get lived, and yet panic never strikes for the right reasons.

I panic because I'm losing them all, and with that I lose my happiness.
But sitting in front of an empty sketch book does not summon me to look to my future as a failure. It only makes me look back on my past, unaware, blissfully.

22/02/10

I seem to be losing a lot of people.
Not just lately, but throughout the years.

And I miss them all so much.
It's funny how it's now that it hits me.

You win some, you lose some.

Two great friends said that to me once.
Now it's only one.